Celebrity Time Machine: Umbrella Remix Edition

There had been something bothering us about Posh Spice-Beckham lately. We couldn't quite put our finger on it and only just realized the distinct truth that Spice-Beckham has stolen Rihanna's fashion soul.



Frightening.

Celebrity Time Machine: Eva Longoria Parker

Actually, it should be called celebrity twin machine. All those years in the Swiss Alps have been good to Shania Twain.

Celebrity Time Machine: The Mask Edition

Surely you know by know that we have a healthy respect for Ms. Diaz and especially several of her movies (Charlie's Angel Trilogy, My Best Friend's Wedding). But I think we can all tell where this is going:

Celebrity Time Machine: All Roads Lead to Winona (and we don't mean Judd)

I think we all would have no problem predicting what all the chestnut haired waifs in Hollywood will look like in 10 years. Luckily, they have absolutely nothing to fear since all roads lead to Winona.

The Upstarts:

Natalie Portman

b. 1981
Breakout role: "Marty" in Beautiful Girls
Blockbuster franchise role: Queen Amidala in Star Wars I, II, & III
Next project: The Other Boleyn Girl

Keira Knightley


b. 1985
Breakout role: Juliette "Jules" Paxton in Bend it Like Beckham
Blockbuster franchise role: Elizabeth Swann in Pirates of the Carribeans I, II & III
Next project: The Duchess (apparently, "A chronicle of the life of 18th century aristocrat Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, who reviled for her extravagant political and personal lives" as per IMDB...sounds riveting).

New Edition:

Ellen Page


b. 1987
Breakout Role: Clearly, "Juno MacGuff" in Juno. I mean how many times do we have to tell you, Tots can't skate.
Blockbuster franchise role: We had thought none yet but actually she played "Kitty Pryde" in X-Men: The Last Stand.
Next Project: Smart People, not much information here except she's joined by Sarah Jessica Parker and Dennis Quaid in this one.

The Original:

Winona Ryder

b. 1971
Breakout role: "Lydia" in Beetle Juice but for us, nothing tops Winona as the "Veronica" in Heathers.
Blockbuster franchise role: um...we always thought Reality Bites could've used a sequel...
Next project: The Last Word, based on a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

Celebrity Time Machine: Tyra Banks is Morphing into My Grandma

Say what you will about Tyra Banks' career post modeling. Sure, she gained a little weight, and yes, she favors makeup that can only be described as dragqueenesque, but let's not forget that she also has her own talk show on which she features topics as varied as: Why Did You Dump Me and Tyra, Help My Mom Find A Man. Her other show, America's Next Top Model, has been around for 10 full seasons or "cycles" which really highlights the cultural importance of said programing that they were able to rename the long accepted moniker for "group of shows."

Aside from all that, we'd been noticing something for a few months now and can no longer keep it to ourselves. Tyra Banks is slowly but surely morphing into my Grandma.

As entertaining as this may be for us, it pains us that we can't let you in on the palpable certainty with which we make this proclamation. We realize that you have know way of knowing exactly what my Grandma looks like but lets just say it involves crazy wigs and a lot of this expression.

Celebrity Time Machine

We just had a chat with our crystal ball and it told us what Fergie Ferg is going to look like in 20 years.

Like the twin sister of Third Rock from the Sun's Kristen Johnston.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Shake It Off Hilary Don't Be So Yesterday

We've noticed a disturbing trend. It seems like Hilary Duff is a diva in training. A very specific diva in training.



If someone told us we were going to morph into Mariah Carey we'd start making some serious life changes faster than you can say box office opening weekend of Glitter.