Jump Around

Have you ever thought to yourself, sweet jesus, this trend has gone nuts (think back to capris circa 1998, or poncho's circa 2002). Enter jumpsuits. I mean, they're EVERYWHERE.


We've even seen people even wearing them. Regular people who can't under any circumstances pull them off. People are also blogging about them and not in an entirely sarcastic way.

We can't help thinking, where is the tipping point? Where do we cross the line from ridiculousness into absurdity. Well friends, we think we've found it.

A pastel, floral, lace trimmed, skintight jumpsuit. Just when you think fashion can't go any more wrong. Thank you Chloe Sevigny.

Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

Phat Tony: Hey Gurrrrl.
Betsy: what's happening?
PT: Absolutely everything. I was just standing in line at Starbucks waiting for my tall, non-fat, extra-caramel, caramel macchiato when I realized that women have been wearing a lot of jumpers lately.
B: jumpers like an Anglophile's sweater or jumpers like when we were 5?
PT: Jumpers like when we were 5.
PT: I mean granted, most of them have worn it under a suit jacket in some sort of semblance of professional-wear but I just keep thinking why is this necessary? I mean, how are you comfortable removing that jacket when you have something like THAT underneath. I mean, regardless of the color of the garment it skews towards the juvenile.
B: Perhaps something like this?
PT: Haha, maybe not entirely that bad but seriously not good either.
B: yeah, I don't really get jumpers, I mean, they got semi-trendy for 5 minutes 3 years ago and the fact that people are still wearing them is really pathetic
PT: True that.

Weighing In: March 17th

PH: I've decided I don't like wearing green when arbitrary tradition suggests I do so.

B: No worries, St. Patty's is just one of those holidays we just "don't do." Sort of like Halloween.

PH: It's the forced textile-related traditions. We enjoy having full control over our wardrobe choices. Can't mess with that.

B: Clearly.

Weighing In: Headbands

Quite clearly, headbands have been around for a while. A preppy staple, we credit Hilary Clinton's overuse in the early 90s that first launched this trend into a nationally debated topic.

More recently, LC ahem, Lauren Conrad of the Hills fame and recently tapped as a fashion "maven" by some media sources, had been noted for frequent headband use.


What do we think aside from the fact that Lauren Conrad does not a fashion "maven" make? Well let's not split hairs here, I mean, she's wearing a headband, on her head. We really aren't going to spend our time having a whole lot of issues with that choice. What we do have problems with is the quite disturbing trend we noticed all summer of girls in New York wearing headbands around their foreheads hippie style or Rambo style if you prefer. We prefer that this trend go the way of the poncho but we're very afraid after this montage from New York Fashion Week by Fashionista.

Say it isn't so.

Weighing In: Sequins

What comes to mind when we think of sequins? Vegas showgirls, the circus, our tap dancing costumes at McDowell School of Dance perhaps. What does not come to mind? Sneakers. Anyone who knows me knows that my all-stars and I have had a long term exclusive relationship going for some time now. However, not even I would deign to wear the be-sequined versions that started cropping up this year.


Do these shoes not just scream "show choir?" I mean...not that there's anything wrong with that...I'm just saying, there's a time and a place for everything.

And by the way, that time/place is never on TRL.

In order to lead a civilized and fashionable life there must be rules regulations and for sequins, they start off similarly to our rules on plaid. Shirts and dresses only please, any sort of sequined bottom will make you look dangerously like one of those monkeys that play the cymbals. Secondly, we must restrict our use of sequins to the evening hours (this should be un peu obvious n'est ce pas?). Thirdly, and this one is a bit more subtle, a sequined garment must be sequined all over like these few courtesy of I Am Fashion.


Otherwise you run the risk of appearing as if you and your BeDazzler have spent one too many lonely nights together.

Weighing in: Ethno-scarves

The pseudo-ethnic print scarf has taken over...Manhattan at least. Can anyone confirm or deny its use in other locations, we're curious? Regardless, whether we like it or not, it's this year's pashmina and it looks like it's going to be around at least for a season. We knew something was up when the Keffiyeh was the new hot item this summer and we've struggled with the concept of women running around the city wearing what has looked to us, rather like a babushka. We've changed our minds recently having seen it worn the right way exactly twice. Once by a very stylish close friend.


And once by our favorite twin.


We're not even going to bother enumerating the rules this time. We just leave you with the notion that if you're wondering if the word babushka applies to you...step away from the scarf. Thank you.

F-ugg-ly

Alright, we get it, its officially fall/winter, its cold, and people need to keep their respective appendages out of the elements. We've seen the Ugg, we've pretty much made peace with the concept and we don't have a problem with the classic version as utilitarian footwear.

That being said, there are several versions out there to which we do take offense. There's the patchwork Ugg, the pom-pom Ugg and the dreaded sequined Ugg to name a few. We happened to be back in the midwest over the Thanksgiving holiday and we saw several versions of what can only be described as another huge flaming mistake.


What in the name of muppet feet is going on here?

Is there any reason you've decided that your calf/ankle/foot region should resemble that of a clydesdale? We do not care how warm and snuggly said footwear may be, you were not just cast in your local production of Sesame Street "Live" or "On Ice" for that matter.

Hello, the midwest, are you listening? We need you to stop it. Right now. Thank you.

Weighing In: Stirrup Pants

from: "betsy" [betsareoff@AQoT.com]
sent: Thu 10/4/2007 7:46pm
reply-to: betsareoff@AQoT.com
to: "phat tony" [phatty@AQoT.com]
cc:
subject: Armageddon (and not the movie)
attachments: img


Dammit I'm at Bloomingdale's and they're going to force me to write about stirrup pants.

-b.


from: "phat tony" [phatty@AQoT.com]
sent: Thu 10/4/2007 7:52pm
reply-to: phatty@AQoT.com
to: "betsy" [betsareoff@AQoT.com]
cc:
subject: RE: Armageddon (and not the movie)


Oh jesus... next thing you're going to tell me is that they have a
huge display with wooden jewelry and applique holiday sweaters... I
mean, how much more "elementary school teacher" can you get?


from: "betsy" [betsareoff@AQoT.com]
sent: Thu 10/4/2007 8:01pm
reply-to: betsareoff@AQoT.com
to: "phat tony" [phatty@AQoT.com]
cc:
subject: RE: RE:Armageddon (and not the movie)


Not quite but they've chosen to display said pants alongside an assortment
of short-sleeved turtlenecks. It feels like 1988 in here I'm getting itchy,
I have to go.

Jodhpurs: Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em

You are likely aware of the extent to which we loved the Fall 07 Balenciaga collection. Deconstructed preppy is theme we extracted from the offerings but since neither of our names are Ghesquiere, we wouldn't dream of taking a runway look and translating it into any literal way into our realities. To make a long story short, we're not wearing Jodhpurs this season or, possibly, ever. In fact, we are a bit bothered by the recent attention this trend has received.


Welcome back to the world of unflattering pants. If fashion editors have any say in the matter, this might happen faster than one can say Z Cavaricci. When is the bad fashion of our childhood going to go away? This is a code red situation, these pants are already on the market at GAP Europe. Is there any chance they might just skip the US Market entirely? We fear not. We fear it will be up to the masses to "just say no." (And I think we all know how well that works).

I think you know where we stand. Lest your express purpose in life is to channel this guy:


Can't touch this.

Weighing in: Ruffles

A recent photo of Kate Bosworth got us thinking.


You know how we feel about high waisted pants but what of the ruffle?

On the face of it, Ruffles appear fairly harmless.


We're seeing versions of the above at all the standard chains. Kept at a minimum, the embellishments don't scream frilly, girly, or Nana's apron. They don't scream but they do whisper and this, dear friends, is a problem.

Ruffles run counter to our aesthetic of clean, modern, simple and never overtly feminine. It's a quick hop skip and a jump from "this is such a fun cute girly top" to "I am a former homecoming queen from Central Ohio." This danger abounds in all facets of life. A ruffled bed skirt?


Indefensible. This is straight out of our Laura Ashley is coming to get us and she's really p*ssed off nightmares (yes, we have those). Ruffles are messy, extraneous, and unnecessary.

We admit, this trend may fall in the realm of borderline viable on none but the savviest among us, but when you wake up realizing you're outfitted as a tiered layer cake.

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Weighing in: Colored Denim

A quick glance at the Fall 2007 ready to wear shows confirms that we should look forward to bright saturated colors coming our way next season. We won't mind seeing it most often in Womenswear in dresses, tops, shoes, and handbags, in that order. What we're not too thrilled about, is seeing a lot of bright colored denim.

We're not pretending that Jessica Alba is anything but gaunt and therefore can flippantly disregard a few of our fashion missives but for the average woman (Phat Tony: "Yeah, I thought that even her presence couldn't overcome the wackness of her movie choices, but please note that I'll still DVR "Honey" whenever it's on... Jessica Alba might be able to do whatever she wants."), we're issuing a strong caution on this look. Unfortunate but true, there are just certain details about one's legs that one may not want highlighted. Consider these jeans a Bic highlighter for your flaws. (PT: "A huge Bic highlighter with those attached Post-It flag dispensers that allow the owner to make notes next to what's been highlighted. Yes, the jeans will tell us all that. And no, we never wanted to know.")

And then there's this:


We're not happy that Aly and AJ, the poor man's Mary Kate Ashley Olsen (hereby referred to as Al J), are weighing on the collective conscious, but we're downright apoplectic over the fact that they are currently bringing their bad fashion on a nationwide tour. (PT: "Having been on a nationwide tour myself, I know there's no place for bad fashion. You make bad fashion choices, and then you end up with wrinkled sateen tops, drawstring pants that are a little too tight right there, and a little too bulky right over here, knock-off Birkenstocks, and your blonde hair turning green from the Motel-8 jacuzzi. The combined efforts of Tim Gunn and Sally Hershberger would not be able to dig you out of that tacky, florescent bulb-lit hole. And it'll all be your fault. Just saying.)

You may have guessed that we're not thrilled about the vest (PT: "Right?!") and we're still too angry to discuss Alicia Keys' wide-leg, high waisted, jumpsuit (PT: "Oh Alicia... how far you may have fah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-len"... wow, my voice sounded so good just then), but there's oh so much else that's wrong here. Al J has firstly decided to violate the code of women, twin or otherwise: thou shalt not wear the same shoes. Secondly, we just got a text message from Alex P Keaton politely requesting his tie back. Lastly, those bright coral jeans make you look fat Al J and we need you and your minions of teen fans to stop it. Right now.

Phat Tony Addendum: Okay, I may not have Betsy's tact when it comes to colored denim. I'm also not a woman, and maybe my personal connection to denim isn't as... developed? Regardless, when thinking colored denim... unless you're the type of girl to whom random strangers always say, "Whoa, those bright colors look ridiculously amazing with your skin tone," then it's really never pleasant (for me, at least) for you to wear the denim a la Crayola. And at the end of the day, that's a trend that, when it's over, it'll be O-V-E-R. No trying to save that crap for when it comes back into style... we won't want to see it then, either.

Weighing In: Ray Ban Wayfarers

The latest fascination with Ray Bans classic Wayfarers is an interesting matter of taste. While we admit they're being overused in hipster circles, we can't quite write them off. The style was most recently stamped in our memory by classic 80s film and television:


Looking a bit further back, the Wayfarer first launched to its most significant fame as worn by Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. Chloe Sevigny is credited by many to have brought this look back in this millenium but we like to share that credit with The Closer's Lieutenant Michael Tao.

We find it dificult to create any hard and fast rules here. We think Wayfarers look good on lots of people and great on few. Try not to do this:


We suggest taking great pains to bring your look back to the Millenium at all costs. It's so easy to make mistakes here but as you can see, this look isn't going anywhere for a while:

Weighing In: High Waisted Pants

Let's spin a yarn: Picture it, Sicily, 1942... Or maybe it was just last week on the lower east side. Regardless, Betsy was doing a little shopping. Looking for not much in particular I spotted what I thought to be a pair of flowy ivory linen wide leg pants. Snatch. Grabbed my size off the rack and headed towards the dressing room. The sales clerk breezed by stating encouragingly, "those pants fit so great they are really high waisted." Time stopped. High-waisted? Laughing nervously, I pressed on, not wanting to be rude, into the fitting area. Well, what can I say friends, it was as if Bea Arthur's wardrobe stylist attacked me in my sleep. I lost my appetite for days. Then I saw this:

Mischa Barton is a thin girl. I'd put her at 115 pounds tops. As she scurried past the mirror in the morning, she must've noticed that these jeans MAKE HER LOOK HUGE. Then I saw this:


After all the work Ken Paves and Mike Alexander did on post-divorce Jessica did no one in the Simpson camp call a stylist? Kate Moss can barely pull this off and as we all know, Kate Moss is 100% at the border of the final frontier of edgy. Kate Moss is as far out as you go people. Step away from the high waisted denim.

Weighing In: Jazz Shoes

Let's be really blindingly honest here. It pains us that we need to write about jazz shoes. Pain of the physical sort. Picture the pain you might feel when watching oh say Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School. What? Oh no, just kidding. We don't watch that. (We may, however, Love New York...)

We've seen many a disturbing thing in our lifetimes. Things that get our little judgemental minds all in a tizzy. Things like pleated pants.

While we can wholly endorse jazz hands and, even their cute little sister, spirit fingers (not to mention their accompanying Bring It On trilogy), but this is really upsetting us.



Jazz shoes... why or how they entered popular culture in the first place is an incredible mystery to us... and this is coming from someone with a bit of a dance background. Picture PT & Bets stride-leap-stepping across the hardwood waxy floor at McDowell School of Dance... so we can appreciate jazz shoes for what they are... split-soled non-street shoes made to leap across a freshly waxed hardwood surface and not leave black scuffs. They are not, however, for everyday-wear. Before you ask, you're not being refreshingly ironic by wearing jazz shoes outside of your "one-my-way-dance-class-and-on-my-way-back" routine. We also know that most of you are not Debbie Allen. You're not fooling anyone, you're just being inappropriate, and not just a little silly.

I think the message here is simple. If you're wearing jazz shoes and you're not doing this:



We really can't help you.

You're welcome.