Grammy Hits and Misses... Abridged.

So the Grammys were weeks ago... Fine. We figured that by separating ourselves from the event might give us some perspective when it came to our gut judgment calls. Perhaps surprisingly, perhaps not, our opinions became even more pronounced as time went on. Sure, they may be trite, but sometimes opinions just need to be expressed. We're sorry. Or you're welcome. You know, whatever.

However, in the spirit of self-restraint, we wanted to limit our opinions to the best and the worst of the Grammys.


Best: Alicia Keys. From her beautiful look when she kicked off the awards to the kick-ass performance of "No One," this was, we think, a high point in Ms. Keys' career. She got herself out from behind that piano (although, please, you shine behind that piano as well), and scream-sang in the way we love. I think I actually started giggling mid-performance, as I tend to do when an artist is so ridiculously amazing that I can't understand where the talent comes from. I don't know what Betsy's immediate reaction was, but I know it was positive.


Worst: Okay, Tina, we've loved you for a while. You've always been a bit crazy, sure, but we don't hate you. You had the Ike-thing to deal with, and that's gotta mess you up something fierce. Fine. Big wheels still kept on turning, and Proud Mary kept on burning. But then you had to show up in a aluminum foil corset/bodysuit. And while no one can be sure, we assume no bra was involved. I won't lie and say that would look horrible on everyone... but babe, seriously, that outfit was not meant for you. No, not at your fitting, and no, definitely not on stage.

And while we're frightened to admit this, we were kind of glad Beyonce was there to back you up. She clearly knew her place, filling in a role as "background dancer" whenever she wasn't featured, but still singing her ass off. And, Tina, we're thrilled you didn't publicly diss her. No one needs another Divas Live moment.*

" In case anyone needs a reminder, picture this: Mariah Carey, with great flourish, gestures to Aretha Franklin and proclaims, "All Hail the Queen of Soul!" And then Aretha turns to Mariah, calmly stating, "and Miss Carey."



Sucks.

Dear Stylist: Jumpsuit Edition

Dear The Fabulous Ms. Keys,



Alicia, darling, honey, sweetie, there are far more flattering options out there, seriously, just right around the corner, if you would just step this way, we promise no one will get hurt. May we please introduce you to the fun and fabulous world of separates?

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Weighing in: Colored Denim

A quick glance at the Fall 2007 ready to wear shows confirms that we should look forward to bright saturated colors coming our way next season. We won't mind seeing it most often in Womenswear in dresses, tops, shoes, and handbags, in that order. What we're not too thrilled about, is seeing a lot of bright colored denim.

We're not pretending that Jessica Alba is anything but gaunt and therefore can flippantly disregard a few of our fashion missives but for the average woman (Phat Tony: "Yeah, I thought that even her presence couldn't overcome the wackness of her movie choices, but please note that I'll still DVR "Honey" whenever it's on... Jessica Alba might be able to do whatever she wants."), we're issuing a strong caution on this look. Unfortunate but true, there are just certain details about one's legs that one may not want highlighted. Consider these jeans a Bic highlighter for your flaws. (PT: "A huge Bic highlighter with those attached Post-It flag dispensers that allow the owner to make notes next to what's been highlighted. Yes, the jeans will tell us all that. And no, we never wanted to know.")

And then there's this:


We're not happy that Aly and AJ, the poor man's Mary Kate Ashley Olsen (hereby referred to as Al J), are weighing on the collective conscious, but we're downright apoplectic over the fact that they are currently bringing their bad fashion on a nationwide tour. (PT: "Having been on a nationwide tour myself, I know there's no place for bad fashion. You make bad fashion choices, and then you end up with wrinkled sateen tops, drawstring pants that are a little too tight right there, and a little too bulky right over here, knock-off Birkenstocks, and your blonde hair turning green from the Motel-8 jacuzzi. The combined efforts of Tim Gunn and Sally Hershberger would not be able to dig you out of that tacky, florescent bulb-lit hole. And it'll all be your fault. Just saying.)

You may have guessed that we're not thrilled about the vest (PT: "Right?!") and we're still too angry to discuss Alicia Keys' wide-leg, high waisted, jumpsuit (PT: "Oh Alicia... how far you may have fah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-len"... wow, my voice sounded so good just then), but there's oh so much else that's wrong here. Al J has firstly decided to violate the code of women, twin or otherwise: thou shalt not wear the same shoes. Secondly, we just got a text message from Alex P Keaton politely requesting his tie back. Lastly, those bright coral jeans make you look fat Al J and we need you and your minions of teen fans to stop it. Right now.

Phat Tony Addendum: Okay, I may not have Betsy's tact when it comes to colored denim. I'm also not a woman, and maybe my personal connection to denim isn't as... developed? Regardless, when thinking colored denim... unless you're the type of girl to whom random strangers always say, "Whoa, those bright colors look ridiculously amazing with your skin tone," then it's really never pleasant (for me, at least) for you to wear the denim a la Crayola. And at the end of the day, that's a trend that, when it's over, it'll be O-V-E-R. No trying to save that crap for when it comes back into style... we won't want to see it then, either.