Dear Stylist: We're Pucci'd Out

Dear Stylist,

Christina Aguilera is wearing way to much Pucci lately. It's just so very Carmela Soprano at a cocktail party.


To avoid looking like the very rare yet widely available on ebay for $7.99 Christina Aguilera Barbie, we suggest limiting the Pucci wardrobe to scarves and headbands only please.

Thank you.

Yours truly,
The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Short Girls Have Style Too

Dear Stylist,

No one is saying that Jessica Simpson is not a pretty, sort of semi-talented, girl. We watched Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica too, we're not immune to her ditzy charm, although, perhaps the bloom is off the rose. Let's just say we've been noticing that Jessica has made certain sartorial decisions lately that are questionable at best. Starting with the decision to purchase the majority of her wardrobe at Katrina's Crazy Caftan Emporium.


We can just hear our critics now. "She's short! She has fashion limitations." Please, we all have fashion limitations. For women these can be summed up in three little words: high waisted pants. For men, let's just go ahead and say the word mesh. Millions of women outfit their small frames in stylish and proportional ways every day. Take for example Rachel Bilson who provides an exact counterpoint to the wardrobe insanity that is Ms. Simpson.

Bilson follows and Simpson overlooks one of our cardinal rules: "When one wears pants, one must also appear to be wearing shoes."


When Jessica wears dresses, they seem to be either too young or too old. Rachel has mastered the gray area of "just right."

Also, by the way Jess, the poncho is not the only way to keep warm. Maybe it's time to invest in a scarf or two to avoid looking like Hoss from Bonanza.



What's that Jessipoo? You're not going to finish your tuna sandwich because you're running out to the mall. Thanks, but we don't eat Buffalo.

Yours truly,
The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Are Those Dance Tights?

Dear Stylist,

We recall the halcyon days at the McDowell School of Dance with a certain reverie to be sure. It is as if just yesterday we were bombershay and brush stepping around the tap studio with unbridled glee. I mean, we were 9, a time where one is highly prone to unbridled glee as well as embarrassing enthusiasm. It is also with some embarrassment that we recall our favored post dance class outfits. Well, at least one of us does. While Phat Tony could be found wearing a sensible ensemble of cropped sweats, denim jacket and legwarmers* (it was the 80s), I was given to wearing shiny dance tights, a short skirt and a beret of choice (sometimes with puffy paint laden scrunchie, sometimes without).


Oh....awkward, um, hi Beyonce, great music. We certainly rock out to Upgrade U at almost every workout, and we've been practicing our shuffle, shuffle, hair toss, in case we have to perform with you at the next Grammy's (we've since, in turn, assumed that the crawl-crawl-hair toss move circa Crazy in Love is SO over). We've just been a little confused re: the outfits lately. Clearly, you have the option of looking like this.

Yet often you choose to outfit yourself like Coco from Fame. I mean, are you always on your way to rehearsal?


And you and your new husband Mr. Carter clean up quite nicely.


Yet, on TRL it's one big denim on denim monstrosity.


Maybe we do get it. Maybe you're just that big of a star and you are so bored that you are keeping us guessing on purpose. Sort of like the magic spell that Brangelina has pulled on the public, are we pregnant, are we not, are we going to deliver our next child on the international space station.

Well in that case, Shazam!


Yours truly,
The Aesthetes

* See also Phat Tony's upcoming book of short stories "Bitch Tore My Leotard."

Dear Stylist: The Other Boleyn Girl

Dear Stylist,

We're fans of historical fiction, clearly. It's all the drama and intrigue without all the messy ties to what really, actually happened. So with the release of The Other Boleyn Girl, we're pretty excited, especially upon hearing that it would star the eminently watchable Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman.


Our eyes skipped by this photo of the starlets at the premiere just as easily as we find ourselves jamming along to a favorite 80s track only to then discover that we're listening to Eaaasy One Oh Two Point Seeeveeeen. Can anyone assure us that we're not the only ones experiencing this phenomenon on a regular basis, please, pretty please?

Upon closer inspection we realize that while Scarlett's dress is a lovely, flattering shade and seems to be a nice classic shape, she is also wearing enough eyeliner to put Lauren Conrad to shame. Subsequently, Ms. Portman is sporting what seems to be a lace tatoo. With strategically placed drapery of course but seriously Portman, Queen Amidala had more red carpet appropriate garb. And she was super-busy saving her planet.

Yours truly,
The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Get Thee Some Pants

Dear Stylist,

We never thought we'd have to say this but some articles of clothing bear a certain necessity. Take pants for example. Perhaps if you're an Olsen twin you can get away with belting a huge t-shirt, throwing on 80 bangles and calling it a day but if you're not an alien life form, you might want to take a page out of the playbook of the more pedestrian among us. Top + pants = face the world. Don't get me wrong, we're not saying no to dresses here, we LOVE dresses but dresses fall under the umbrella of the onesie. The rules, friends, are the same as when you were 2. Onesies are acceptable on their own, sweaters, dear stylist, do not qualify.



Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Jumpsuit Edition

Dear The Fabulous Ms. Keys,



Alicia, darling, honey, sweetie, there are far more flattering options out there, seriously, just right around the corner, if you would just step this way, we promise no one will get hurt. May we please introduce you to the fun and fabulous world of separates?

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Paris Hilton Should Cut Her Losses and Move to Boca

Dear Stylist,

They tell me Paris Hilton is a young girl. I suppose that's what the dancing on the tables, all too often with hands above head and dare I say snapping, is about. However are we the only ones who have noticed a shift in her wardrobe lately?


We've always preferred Ms. Hilton sans weave but we don't really see the point of teasing the natural do into a poufy oblivion since it seems to add about 40 years to the look. Also, by now hopefully we all can agree on the dangers of wearing animal prints, namely that you look like you've gone one step too far on "vintage" bandwagon and you've spent far too much time poking around in Nana's cobweb-filled closet.


I mean, don't get us wrong, we're certainly not implying that Paris would be anything less than the TOAST of the retirement community and she'd likely land a lucrative deal posing for the cover of Joan Collins next and surely scintillating novel Misfortune's Infamous Daughters. We're just saying that she should strongly consider taking her budding "crazy animal-lady" tendencies to more sympathetic pastures than LA.



I hear Del Boca Vista has a few vacancies.

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Brit Brit Edition

Dear Stylist,

Exactly how many printed hoodies does 100 million dollars buy one?






Just checking.

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Roadkill Edition

Dear Stylist,

When will you fail to amaze us with your questionable choices? We realize that Kate Bosworth and Zhang Ziyi recently attended some sort of soiree in China and perhaps there are some deviating cultural norms at play here but seriously, what is that Chinchilla? Did you not notice that Ms. Ziyi looks like she's actually holding the dead animal she just skinned to fashion this garment? Ms. Bosworth looks like a late edition Cruella De Vil and if one wants to model themselves after a Disney character, we suggest Esmeralda, she really knew how to work the peasant blouse trend.

We're not really politically anti-fur here, we just think it looks gross 9 out of 10 times. Take for example Britney Spears. Does she not look like she skinned her little dog Bit-Bit and is wearing her as a shrug.


Perhaps there's ways to wear fur, in fact, there are certain people who may be able pull it off:

1. Sarah Jessica Parker circa SATC seasons 1 and 2 because there was a time when she could pull off that sense of whimsical risk taking.

2. Nicole Kidman because she's just regal and Nordic-looking enough to accessorize a fur coat with a nice viking helmet.

3. Mary Kate Olsen because the poor little thing looks just about cold enough to drape anything over her bony little shoulders.

Aside from the above mentioned we ask you to please refrain from this growing and disturbing use of fur.

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Balenciaga Edition

Dear Stylist,

Ok, this is a shame. We think Balenciaga fell off the rails this season. We're pretty sure this isn't Jennifer Connelly's fault.


Yes, we were madly in love with Fall 2007 and then found that the Spring 2008 offering from Nicolas Ghesquiere pained us too deeply for to speak of most of the time. But seriously stylist, think before you blindly follow a supposed genius. This is what fashion victims are made of.

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Old Spice Edition

Dear Stylist,

We have no shame over our love of pop music. In fact, our cries of "gimme more gimme gimme gimme" were barely heard over the din of the last VMAs. There even were 10 minutes in the 90s where we would've been happy to "tell you what I want what I really really want." Despite the bad lyrics (2 become 1?) and the even worse fashion,

here we sit a solid ten years post the Spice's rise to fame and Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger and Posh are still (somewhat) in the public eye. Amazingly, and thanks to you stylist, there has been no respite from the bad fashion.

We do admit that two of the five women may have come out slightly ahead of the errant spice situation. Emma Bunton aka Baby Spice has adopted a Twiggy as ANTM judge look for which we do not find fault.


And despite the Crazy-Catwoman leather jumpsuit motif, we applaud Geri Halliwell (Ginger) for the impeccable hair and makeup.


Mel C's colored denim gaffe brings her to about even with the old days,


which leaves the real task of spreading the crazy falling squarely on the shoulders of Melanie (Scary) Brown and Victoria (Posh) Beckham.

Luckily these two special ladies do not disappoint. Mel B may have recently won her paternity suit against Eddie Murphy but has since violated several state and local statutes regarding the misuse of animal print.

Have we learned nothing from Ms. Spears? Do not, I repeat do NOT get photographed in or around the bathroom.


Despite Victoria Beckham's short lived reality show and current clothing line, there is still a bit of Eau d'Irrelevance perfuming the air around her. Not to mention our strong suspicion that she's dressing like Captain Kangaroo on purpose.


Zig-a-zig-huh?

Yours truly,
The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Jennifer Lopez Edition

Dear Stylist,

A sartorial timeline for Jennifer Lopez would make for a wild and crazy ride. There were the Fly Girl years (striped leggings and way too HUGE blazers), the Janet Jackson years (featuring a bared midriff in the That's the Way Love Goes video), and the Diddy years where we all thought she should have stayed (we would definitely be investors in the double stick tape industry if so). Then along came the "triple threat years" where she tried to have a career in vocals, acting and dancing and only succeeded in demonstrating lack of talent in all three. And who could forget the Bennifer years read: overexposure. Now, Ms. Lopez has settled comfortably into the Marc (Mr. Death) Anthony years and this, dear stylist, is not becoming her and we only have you to blame.

Stylist, has no one ever taught you that hog tying a star into an garment is not a good idea? Our poor Jennifer resembles a sausage in this dress that not only cinches her in all the wrong places but pours on an extra dose sparkle and fringe to add insult to injury.

We admit that we love this steely shade of gray and those are some extremely hot shoes but not since Janet Jackson's All For You video have we seen the half shirt attempt in action. This has all the makings of an amazing outfit if we just decided to dial up the symmetry. A shoutout to whomever has taken control of the hair and makeup situation though, way to localize the problem to the right shoulder.

We think Ms. Lopez has a phenomenal body and we love the high octane wind machine look, we're just not sure why you've decided to dress her in a tea cozy.

We realize times are hard stylist, but please, get Jennifer's wardrobe together. El Cantante is a cry for help people. If you can't manage JLo's transition into obscurity, eventual fierce comeback and finally, lifetime original movie, we will have to advise Ms. Lopez to seek alternate counsel.

Very Truly Yours,
The Aesthetes

Dear Stylist: Fergie Edition

Dear Stylist,

We're having some difficulties understanding what Fergie has been wearing lately. We realize celebrities cannot be left to their own devices but several choices you've made have perplexed us to the extent that we think you two have had a severe falling out. We can't fathom any other possibility for this particular brand of cruelty. We get the "dressed up in front row couture show Chanel" and the "I'm working out with Josh Duhawho? in the median of a random LA street in sweats" but several pressing questions have kept us up at night.

Who decided the Little Rascal's hats were a good idea?


Did you check your missed calls...? Because Avril Lavigne wants her bermuda shorts and suspenders back.


Um...what's with the really big hankie?


Until the likelihood ceases that your bad choices will assault our innocent eyes during otherwise innocuous MTV programming we respectfully ask that you leave poor Ms. Ferguson alone.

Yours truly,
the Aesthetes