Get It Together: Cousin It Shoes

Dear Kate Moss,

Right, so you're cute in that "maybe I partake in the occasional illegal substance but at least I don't eat junk food sort of way." For this reason, we've consistently looked the other way during your five year fling with fringed moccasins and/or Pete Doherty.


We're not really going to hate on this choice of footwear too badly because for one thing Kate, you can pull this off. Sienna Miller might be different story but like Charles Barkley, you are not a role model.

What we do take issue with is these little beauties strutting down the Etro runway.

Look closely, squint if you have to, but these are actually a pair of suede fringed sandals a la Cousin It. Do you hear me Moss? Fringed. Sandals. Suede. We blame this on you. I hope you're happy with yourself.

Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Get It Together: Some Things Should Be Left in the Past

We cannot emphasize this enough. Sex and the City was cute from 1998 to 2003 and then Carrie and her ballerina skirts, Samantha and her brash sexuality, Miranda and her sarcasm and Charlotte with her hopeless and thoroughly irritating optimism became only appropriate in the small realm of our special edition dvd boxed sets. There is nothing bothering us more than the trotting out of the middle-aged stars in no longer age appropriate or fashion forward garments for the making and promoting of the sure to be horrible movie version.


You've probably guessed that we're also not thrilled about the Sex and the City wannabes Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle. Admittedly, having only seen the former, we're nonetheless ready to declare that this, friends, is bad TV and not even the good kind. We even have significant soft spots in our hearts for Lucy Liu after her turns in both Kill Bill and Charlie's Angels but even we can't defend what she's been wearing lately.


Valentino Schmalentino... this dress is ugly.

PH Addendum: Lucy, I don't know if you realize the severity of our words, here... Our love for you used to be pure, unadulterated, and altogether quite lovely. You show up like that, and well, we start questioning everything. The fact that we're alumni from the same college will only get you so far....)

Dear Stylist: Get Thee Some Pants

Dear Stylist,

We never thought we'd have to say this but some articles of clothing bear a certain necessity. Take pants for example. Perhaps if you're an Olsen twin you can get away with belting a huge t-shirt, throwing on 80 bangles and calling it a day but if you're not an alien life form, you might want to take a page out of the playbook of the more pedestrian among us. Top + pants = face the world. Don't get me wrong, we're not saying no to dresses here, we LOVE dresses but dresses fall under the umbrella of the onesie. The rules, friends, are the same as when you were 2. Onesies are acceptable on their own, sweaters, dear stylist, do not qualify.



Yours truly,

The Aesthetes

Ode to the Woman on the Subway: a Haiku

Mauve and purple don't

go together not even

if both in the scarf.

*****A note to those not appreciating the haiku genre: Phat Tony assured me and consequently assures all of you that Haikus are always funny. Always.

Whining Over Wine: Episode One

There's Nothing I Hate More Than Skin Tight Jeans

B: There's nothing I hate more than skin tight jeans. I mean, it's not something that you'd think you'd need to say... It's sort of obvious that it would look bad, right, but somehow, you keep running into it.

PH: I have issues with the comfort level of the thing. I mean, maybe I'm not the average guy on the street, but tight tight tight jeans screams hell no to me.

B: And for girls, how do you look at yourself in a dressing room mirror, where you already look fatter than what you are, and you say these skinny jeans are a good idea.

PH: Sometimes, those mirrors are there to give you perspective when we aren't in the room. But let's face it.. we don't want to be there, anyway.

B: I think this goes for clingy fabrics. in general... when you put clothes on your body, you shouldn't be able to see the rolls. I mean, everyone has some fat or whatever, and you know, we're okay with it, but the clothes on your body, make no mistake, are meant to camoflauge. Do people not understand this? Otherwise, we'd just be walking around naked all day.

PH: We all have that lady we work with. Babe, your clothes don't fit. And you know, they never did. My bad.

Toga! Toga! Toga!

Something's afoot in Hollywood and that something is more mysterious than the last David Lynch film. Starlets are parading around in a very special mix of John Belushi's Animal House Toga and Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Right, so Cate Blanchett can be a little edgy, what with films such as The Talented Mr. Ripley, Notes On A Scandal, and every movie ever made about Elizabethan times. So sure, we'll just chalk this one up to an off the shoulder column of a dress in which this turquoise is flattering and she's carrying around just enough, I realize I'm wearing a bedsheet chutzpah.

But in what world do Mischa Barton and Courtney Love meet up for Pinkberry and then shop for matching ensembles of crazy? We speculate that perhaps these two were shot in these getups sometime around fashion week and thus may be some sort of trend/practical joke as played by a designer who's done way too many drugs.



And if that's the case, we have our suspicions of who just might be that designer's muse...

Get It Together: Footwear

A recent trip to the shoe department at Bloomingdale's struck fear into the hearts of the Aesthetes. There are a few things going horribly wrong these days. This year, Marc by Marc Jacobs has decided that providing the public with a normal fashionable boot is not enough. Apparently there was some sort of outcry for a boot that looked like a shoe with a phantom knee sock coming out of it? And more breaking news in the world of the unnecessary, can anyone tell us when rain boots became the new status item?


We thought the $200 rubber rain boot was the most ridiculous thing we'd ever seen until we met his cousin.


The $300 rain boot.

And finally, Nanette Lepore has teamed up with Ked's.
Thank god. Because we weren't sure where we were going to purchase our Avril Lavigne meets Anna Nicole Smith sequined high tops. Whew.

DEFCON Threat Level 3: Please Step Away From the Crocs

The term "fashion police" exists for a reason. Things can go horribly wrong and often. Take crocs for example.


Not since Beanie Babies have we seen an opiate of the masses mall-trend sweep the nation so thoroughly and completely. We have been appalled since the inception of this phenomenon. We're from the Midwest so we tend to be somewhat familiar with things such as ugly comfort shoes but crocs? Really? Rubber clogs, with holes, in technicolor? Methinks this matter of taste is not so much a question after all.

(Phat Tony: "This sh*t is disgusting. Especially when pale lavender and worn by a man who has no idea. I've never felt as helpless as I did when that travesty clomped past me.")

Ok fine, perhaps we've spotted an endearing child or two sporting the footwear:


But children notwithstanding, we've seen people old enough to know better sporting these monstrosities in Manhattan of all places. Does no one have a good sneaker in their wardrobe? Get it together we beg of you.

It turns out it's not only the fashion police after this particular faux pas. Apparently crocs have just been banned by hospitals in Sweden due to a rather strange possibility that they are contributing to static electricity in the operating rooms and causing equipment to malfunction. More realistically, officials worry that unwanted fluids could seep through the holes and needles could puncture the resin.

In addition to the hospital incident, Washington DC malls are reporting a spate of children catching their toes in escalators. Is there anyone out there who didn't share the irrational childhood fear of getting sucked into the end of the escalator? Turns out, we have the crocs people to thank for bringing that nightmare to life. This issue may or may not have contributed to another recent ban on crocs in a Massachusets elementary school.

I think these incidents just add fuel to the fire for our long held belief that bad fashion and bad decisions go hand in hand.

Get it Together: Shapeless Shifts

We realize that shapeless flowy dresses are very in right now, in fact, we even wear them with shameless abandon. Check out this version from Marni Spring 2007:



The model is teeny, the dress is huge, yet somehow, it all seems to come out ok. We see copious women pulling off this look in NYC. The shape here is lollipop and as long as we're not talking about people's heads being too large for their anorexic bodies, we're all over it.

However, we saw something last night that really got us riled up. So angry in fact we felt the need to snap a stealth picture. Apologies for the quality but drastic measures need to be taken when one attends happy hour wearing one's nightgown.



Note the girl in the center. She's wearing something out of Twas The Night Before Christmas. All we ask is that people dress for their body types (and that they refrain from wearing pajamas in public). It's not the garment itself we have a problem with, it's just the way it's worn. I think if Consuelo Castiglioni were present to the above debacle she would echo our sentiments: please, for the love of god, throw on a belt.

Get it Together: Neckwear

We’re noticing a trend. People are wearing scarves in the summer. We don’t know why, we just call it like we see it. Sometimes they’re gauzy, sometimes they’re delicately knitted lurex. And sometimes, on really special occasions, they’re what Teen Vogue has deemed the "breezy, global-chic scarf."

Kirsten, we sort of love you. And we say this like we’re the best of friends, which we sort of are:

Must we take our fashion cues from this guy?

I thought not.

Get It Together: Window Treatments

What to do with the windows… I must admit, upon moving into a new space, there are 1,000,001 things you'd rather do before dealing with new window treatments. I mean, all that measuring can really get a girl down and there are Law & Order reruns to be watched thank you very much. However, I have seen some poor excuses for window treatments around town. Granted, I live in a lovably grungy New York neighborhood but there's just no excuse for this:


Or this:


Must we look like we're running a den of iniquity at best or a crack house at worst? This is one area of the home where one need not spend a fortune to look like one has a modicum of taste. Keep it clean, simple and functional and you won't go wrong.

A few options we do NOT recommend.

- The overly-technogeeky, motorized, remote control models. Hell no. Think it's a good idea to flip a button that turns on a fireplace, opens the blinds, or makes your bed spin around in vomit-inducing circles? Nice try buddy... we don't care how big of a technophile you feel you are, but those bachelor-pad cliché features make reasonable women run for the hills faster than a screening of the Dustin Diamond sex tape.

- Any sort of frilly Scarlet O'Hara, I-just-tore-down-my-curtains-to-make-this-debutante-gone-wrong-concoction-of-a-dress curtains. The word "poufy" should not be used to describe your window treatments, nor should the word "velveteen". Nasty.

- Anything resembling a shower curtain, unfurled hippie skirt, or random tapestry leftover from your college years (see above: den of iniquity).

Still at a loss? We like the following:
Roman Shades
Linen Panels
Venetian blinds