Judging Project Runway a.k.a. It's Funny Because It's True

We love Project Runway. We've always loved Project Runway. Ever since Jay McCarroll gave hope to every big-boned awkward cast-out who always thought they were relegated to stage crew and never stardom (a lesser known variant of "always a bridesmaid, never a bride"), we've trusted in the PR credo of finding the next great American designer. We still do.

But outside of the talent-related qualities of this new group of designers, we've started to question... well, the taste level of this motley crew with respect to everything else...

First of all, let it be known that each of their respective achievements cannot be overstated.  All of these designers were chosen for a reason.  They know what they're doing.  Yay Carmen Chris Christian Elisa Jack Jillian Kevin Kit Marion Rami Ricky Simone Steven Sweet P and Victorya.  That's coming from the heart.  Love you, mean it.  That being said...

Jack.  If you over-extend your arms over your head ONE MORE TIME... well, I can't really make any threats, I'm just saying it's a bad idea.  You're teetering on the edge of mid-90's circuit queen.  That look is over, and if you need more convincing, may we refer you to the wisdom of... well... us.

Kit.  We're hoping that you're this season's Alison Kelly, except without the unfortunate recycling challenge incident.  You also might want to lose the hairbow.  Or not.  Your choice.

Sweet P.  Thank you for clearly being good at construction.  Now could you do us a favor and maybe take us on a tour through your portfolio?  And of course, by portfolio, we mean tattoos.  Thanks.

Carmen.  We're sure it makes complete sense to you why a designer doesn't really know what they're doing unless they've been a model.  Okay, let's say, for (absolutely asinine) argument's sake, that your opinion is valid.  We're just going to say that humanity's ability to adapt to difficulties in their environment has been well documented.  I understand this is a bit of a stretch, but we tend to think that the concept of evolution and the ability for human beings (and maybe living things, in general, regardless of phylum) to adapt allows us to infer that maybe, just maybe, a few of those individuals NOT six feet tall, with high cheekbones, perfect skin, and/or an indelible desire to model clothing while adeptly performing the walk-walk-walk-half turn-half turn-walk-walk-walk-half turn-full turn-walk-walk-walk-walk-walk maneuver, may have found the ability to become great designers.  But you don't have to believe me... Believe Michael Kors, the fashion-world's answer to Dr. Phil.  Not pretty.

Jillian.  We don't get you.  We also have no idea if you can create anything other than that short flared skirt thing you keep making... and wearing.  It's an awkward niche to be in.  And no, not awkward interesting, but awkward huh?

Kevin.  Could you do something more exciting?  I mean, the most exciting thing so far is that you're not gay.  Seriously?  That's your defining feature?  Happy day, you're straight, good times.  Now what?  Oh wait, that's right, you design jeans, and one of said designs was featured on the cover of a Victoria's Secret catalogue.  Okay, that's something.  We still need more.  Just saying.

Christian.  You're quirky.  Not interesting.  There's a difference.  Maybe you'll learn that once you turn 22.

Chris.  Looking at you, we just feel like there's something to superficially mock.  Perhaps your refusal to run.  Perhaps your inability to complete sentences when with SJP.  But whatever man, you've sort of proven that you aim to do your damn thing on this show.

Elisa.  You were so lucky to be paired with Sweet P on last week's episode.  Your ideas are sound, but your methods of cleaning and completing are a bit junky.  Don't get too comfortable... you're not always going to have your fellow competitors ironing the crappiness out of your designs.  Oh, and as a special request, don't spit on our outfits.  It's a tad nasty.

Steven.  So you have a personality, right?  We thought we caught a bit of it during the PR previews... Your craftmanship is good, but we wish we could remember what you looked like.  Thank god for BravoTV.com.

Ricky.  Stop crying.  It's pathetic.  You've successfully dragged us kicking and screaming from the point of "in touch with his feelings" to "whiny little bitch."  You don't deserve that, as a person, we understand, but stop giving us so much fodder.  We also already know that you were a lingerie designer.  You're starting to get close to Emmett (previous PR contestant) who repeated weekly that he was a menswear designer.  At the end of the day, you're here, stop thinking that the lack of variety in your CV is a crutch.  Excuses are gross, you heard it here first.

Simone and Marion.  You're gone now, so we'll spare our unkind, however true, words... this time.

And as for you two, Rami and Victorya...  Stay cool, KIT, BFF 4 E and E, have a great summer, loved those great times in History class, you're the best.