We Love Boat Shoes...

But we're not going to tell you why until Summer. Call it a preview if you will.

AQoT: Live From the Red Carpet

And by live from the red carpet we mean live from the red carpet in our pj’s, on our couches, with snacks. Let the games begin.

6:00pm Sweet Jesus what is Seacrest wearing? A black suit with brown trim? In what parallel universe is this a good idea? Has he no access to GQ? Think man, we beg of you, WWNPHD? We don’t care if this is Dolce & Gabbana, we’re looking at a black on black shirt/tie combination.

6:13pm Oh snap, Kimora is here, get ready for some crazy. Aside from her wearing all of South Africa’s diamonds, she looks surprisingly almost subdued in her long navy dress.

6:22pm Heidi Klum is in a nice Cayenne dress. Strapless with some sort of cute bolero that perhaps we’d be mocking if this weren’t Heidi Klum. Seal has a really fabulous accent. Wait a minute, they just panned down. This dress has some kind of fish-tail cape situation which leaves us feeling confused and a little bit hurt.

6:51pm Jason Bateman wearing the standard tux and of course, it’s hard to go wrong with that. Sidenote: why do we love the Batemans, Jason and/or Justine, so much. PH: do you want to weigh in on that one?

6:52pm There are a LOT of one shoulder dresses this year. Toga style.

7:09pm Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson is here. Irrelevant.

7:14pm Amy Adams is doing an amazing forest green perhaps a redhead cliché but still, it’s working. Ah yes, Proenza Schouler. Love it.

7:21pm Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner in black. Yawn. I’d have fallen asleep completely except for some awkwardness involving Gary Busey. Or Nick Nolte. One can never tell the difference.

7:47pm Kimora and Giuliana DePandi Rancic are hating on Amy Adams dress. And they’re wrong, obviously.

7:58pm Renee Zellweger looks uncomfortable with her hair. Awkward.

8:12pm John Travolta looks like he’s wearing a hair helmet. His wife is wearing an interesting orangey-yellow which would've been better if it weren't so derivative of Michelle Williams in 2006.

8:19pm Helen Mirren is wearing rhinestone sleeves. Mistake.

8:20pm Both Daniel Day Lewis and Johnny Depp are doing this same black/brown suit situation. We're going to hate seeing this proliferate.

8:27pm Juno (Ellen Page) is wearing black, she looks like herself which we find refreshing.

And the Oscar goes to…

Celebrity Time Machine: All Roads Lead to Winona (and we don't mean Judd)

I think we all would have no problem predicting what all the chestnut haired waifs in Hollywood will look like in 10 years. Luckily, they have absolutely nothing to fear since all roads lead to Winona.

The Upstarts:

Natalie Portman

b. 1981
Breakout role: "Marty" in Beautiful Girls
Blockbuster franchise role: Queen Amidala in Star Wars I, II, & III
Next project: The Other Boleyn Girl

Keira Knightley


b. 1985
Breakout role: Juliette "Jules" Paxton in Bend it Like Beckham
Blockbuster franchise role: Elizabeth Swann in Pirates of the Carribeans I, II & III
Next project: The Duchess (apparently, "A chronicle of the life of 18th century aristocrat Georgiana, Duchess of Devonshire, who reviled for her extravagant political and personal lives" as per IMDB...sounds riveting).

New Edition:

Ellen Page


b. 1987
Breakout Role: Clearly, "Juno MacGuff" in Juno. I mean how many times do we have to tell you, Tots can't skate.
Blockbuster franchise role: We had thought none yet but actually she played "Kitty Pryde" in X-Men: The Last Stand.
Next Project: Smart People, not much information here except she's joined by Sarah Jessica Parker and Dennis Quaid in this one.

The Original:

Winona Ryder

b. 1971
Breakout role: "Lydia" in Beetle Juice but for us, nothing tops Winona as the "Veronica" in Heathers.
Blockbuster franchise role: um...we always thought Reality Bites could've used a sequel...
Next project: The Last Word, based on a Bret Easton Ellis novel.

We Love Ice Cream Sandwiches

We're definitely grown-ups as evidenced by a known propensity for easy listening radio, but yet we still have a deep appreciation for this rather childlike food. What could be better than a slab of vanilla ice cream between two chocolate wafer cookies. A classic hit, timeless, sort of like Janet Jackson. Sing it with me now, "when I think of you...baby, all I think about is love." Diversions aside, we learned recently that the venerated ice cream sandwich was actually invented in about 1900 in the Lower East Side. We're not sure when the Chipwich brand variety was invented,


but we definitely remember the summer when Phat Tony introduced us to the ice cream sandwiches at Diddy Reese in Westwood. Your choice of fresh baked cookies surrounding a healthy scoop of the ice cream flavor of your fancy.

When I think of you...baby....

Grammy Hits and Misses... Abridged.

So the Grammys were weeks ago... Fine. We figured that by separating ourselves from the event might give us some perspective when it came to our gut judgment calls. Perhaps surprisingly, perhaps not, our opinions became even more pronounced as time went on. Sure, they may be trite, but sometimes opinions just need to be expressed. We're sorry. Or you're welcome. You know, whatever.

However, in the spirit of self-restraint, we wanted to limit our opinions to the best and the worst of the Grammys.


Best: Alicia Keys. From her beautiful look when she kicked off the awards to the kick-ass performance of "No One," this was, we think, a high point in Ms. Keys' career. She got herself out from behind that piano (although, please, you shine behind that piano as well), and scream-sang in the way we love. I think I actually started giggling mid-performance, as I tend to do when an artist is so ridiculously amazing that I can't understand where the talent comes from. I don't know what Betsy's immediate reaction was, but I know it was positive.


Worst: Okay, Tina, we've loved you for a while. You've always been a bit crazy, sure, but we don't hate you. You had the Ike-thing to deal with, and that's gotta mess you up something fierce. Fine. Big wheels still kept on turning, and Proud Mary kept on burning. But then you had to show up in a aluminum foil corset/bodysuit. And while no one can be sure, we assume no bra was involved. I won't lie and say that would look horrible on everyone... but babe, seriously, that outfit was not meant for you. No, not at your fitting, and no, definitely not on stage.

And while we're frightened to admit this, we were kind of glad Beyonce was there to back you up. She clearly knew her place, filling in a role as "background dancer" whenever she wasn't featured, but still singing her ass off. And, Tina, we're thrilled you didn't publicly diss her. No one needs another Divas Live moment.*

" In case anyone needs a reminder, picture this: Mariah Carey, with great flourish, gestures to Aretha Franklin and proclaims, "All Hail the Queen of Soul!" And then Aretha turns to Mariah, calmly stating, "and Miss Carey."



Sucks.

Celebrity Time Machine: Tyra Banks is Morphing into My Grandma

Say what you will about Tyra Banks' career post modeling. Sure, she gained a little weight, and yes, she favors makeup that can only be described as dragqueenesque, but let's not forget that she also has her own talk show on which she features topics as varied as: Why Did You Dump Me and Tyra, Help My Mom Find A Man. Her other show, America's Next Top Model, has been around for 10 full seasons or "cycles" which really highlights the cultural importance of said programing that they were able to rename the long accepted moniker for "group of shows."

Aside from all that, we'd been noticing something for a few months now and can no longer keep it to ourselves. Tyra Banks is slowly but surely morphing into my Grandma.

As entertaining as this may be for us, it pains us that we can't let you in on the palpable certainty with which we make this proclamation. We realize that you have know way of knowing exactly what my Grandma looks like but lets just say it involves crazy wigs and a lot of this expression.

Dear Stylist: The Other Boleyn Girl

Dear Stylist,

We're fans of historical fiction, clearly. It's all the drama and intrigue without all the messy ties to what really, actually happened. So with the release of The Other Boleyn Girl, we're pretty excited, especially upon hearing that it would star the eminently watchable Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman.


Our eyes skipped by this photo of the starlets at the premiere just as easily as we find ourselves jamming along to a favorite 80s track only to then discover that we're listening to Eaaasy One Oh Two Point Seeeveeeen. Can anyone assure us that we're not the only ones experiencing this phenomenon on a regular basis, please, pretty please?

Upon closer inspection we realize that while Scarlett's dress is a lovely, flattering shade and seems to be a nice classic shape, she is also wearing enough eyeliner to put Lauren Conrad to shame. Subsequently, Ms. Portman is sporting what seems to be a lace tatoo. With strategically placed drapery of course but seriously Portman, Queen Amidala had more red carpet appropriate garb. And she was super-busy saving her planet.

Yours truly,
The Aesthetes